In the (my) dark ages

I got brave last night and decided to put my maiden name on my facebook account.

I am in a very good place now and very happy with life. But it wasn't always that way. I used to be kind of a mess. Ok.... not kind of.... I was a SERIOUS mess. But that seems soooooo long ago. I actually refer to it as my previous life....... BC...... before Christ. It really WAS a previous life. He has made me a completely different person that I used to be.

What is sad is that I had to leave so many people behind. Some of those people are dangerous. No, that is not an exaggeration. Some of those in my past are quite dangerous. Maybe (probably?) to themselves, but definitely to me. I do not want them to know where I am now- for my own physical protection. Sad, huh?

So, I got a little nostalgic last night and decided to look up a few of the people from my past. I was hoping to find that some of them had also turned their lives around. I was hopeful.

Most of them I didn't find. Maybe I'm just too ADD to take enough time. Maybe that fact that it was almost midnight had something to do with it.

I had one person in particular in mind. He has a pretty common name, so after going through 40+ pages on Google I decided to try a different route- I searched court records. He's earned himself 2 more DUI's since I last saw him. Now he's at a total of 4. The last one wasn't all that long ago.
Another is dead from a drug overdose.
Another is in prison for aggravated rape.
Another is on her 6th marraige.

I could have been these people.

What breaks my heart more is that they could be where I am now.

They can't do it on their own. I didn't.
It's totally a God thing. He changed me, He can change them. He wants to change them.

Why do so many push Him away when they are in such a dark place?

I spent last night praying for them. They can try all they want to put out that flicker of Light, but if they just take the chance and turn it up a bit they can have joy beyond anything they ever imagined.

I don't have any deep & amazing to say....
I'm sad for them.
But I am OH SO GRATEFUL that God loves me!

Thinking till my brain hurts

Our small group studied this passage for the past week:

Luke 7:36-50 (NASB)

36Now one of the Pharisees was requesting Him to dine with him, and He entered the Pharisee's house and reclined at the table.
37And there was a woman in the city who was a sinner; and when she learned that He was reclining at the table in the Pharisee's house, she brought an alabaster vial of perfume,
38and standing behind Him at His feet, weeping, she began to wet His feet with her tears, and kept wiping them with the hair of her head, and kissing His feet and anointing them with the perfume.
39Now when the Pharisee who had invited Him saw this, he said to himself, "If this man were a prophet He would know who and what sort of person this woman is who is touching Him, that she is a sinner."

Parable of Two Debtors

40And Jesus answered him, "Simon, I have something to say to you." And he replied, "Say it, Teacher."
41"A moneylender had two debtors: one owed five hundred denarii, and the other fifty. 42"When they were unable to repay, he graciously forgave them both. So which of them will love him more?"
43Simon answered and said, "I suppose the one whom he forgave more." And He said to him, "You have judged correctly."
44Turning toward the woman, He said to Simon, "Do you see this woman? I entered your house; you gave Me no water for My feet, but she has wet My feet with her tears and wiped them with her hair.
45"You gave Me no kiss; but she, since the time I came in, has not ceased to kiss My feet.
46"You did not anoint My head with oil, but she anointed My feet with perfume.
47"For this reason I say to you, her sins, which are many, have been forgiven, for she loved much; but he who is forgiven little, loves little."
48Then He said to her, "Your sins have been forgiven."
49Those who were reclining at the table with Him began to say to themselves, "Who is this man who even forgives sins?"
50And He said to the woman, "Your faith has saved you; go in peace."

We spent quite a bit of time on this. I love our group because I always leave thinking!

We rehashed one idea that we had brought up the week before when studying different scripture:
"Does someone who lead a really bad life before being saved, have more sin that needs to be forgiven?
Do they then appreciate what God has done by forgiving them even more than someone who led a not so bad life before being saved?"

I know (and hopefully you do too) that ALL sin separates us from God. So, we are all sinful- little or much- we can not EARN our way to heaven.

So, is Jesus saying that one person is more sinful and is forgiven more so they love Him more? Or is He saying that some of us see our own sins less than the sins of others? If so, is He then saying that THIS person is more sinful because they THINK they are more righteous than the person with the obvious sins? Or is He saying that forgiveness is forgiveness, and therefore no one is forgiven more than another?

We spent a LOT of time on this, and I don't think for one second that I am going to solve this in this post! But I AM curious to what anyone else may think, so please feel free to comment!!!!



Now, my past is very ugly. I know many people who are not proud of who they were before they found Christ, but I am truly ashamed. I've shared my testimony with several people from church and elsewhere. I even gave my testimony to a group of women while were were on our mission trip in the Appalachian Mountains. I talked for about 30 minutes. I cried and so did several others.
I've shared the 'condensed version' several times since then. I am NOT going to put it in this blog for a couple reasons:
1. I have family who may read this and are NOT ready or able to hear it.
2. I know that some younger people, who know my children read this, and I do not think it is appropriate for them or my own children to read. Yet.

But last week Rick talked about how, if someone was in a really, really, really bad way before coming to Christ, they have an appreciation for the amazing grace He brings us through salvation. People who haven't been there can definitely experience His grace- I'm not saying they don't. But can they REALLY know how close hell can be right here on earth??? I hope not.

I've seen and experienced things that I will never admit to anyone. But God knows. He knows everything I did, everything I thought, and everything I felt.
And He loves me anyways!!!!!
He doesn't just put His fingers in his ears and say "la la la la la la"... He wipes the sin AWAY! It is GONE!
When I mess up again, He doesn't give me a dirty look and think "figures. Look what you did in the past. You are a screw up and you will always be a screw up," while He sigh heavily and rolls His eyes. Instead, He draws me closer and keeps loving me.

It took me about 12 years after I accepted Christ to forgive myself. To realize that God wasn't holding my sins over my head, forgiving me for most of my sins but holding onto the super ugly ones. He never says, "I forgive you. Well, except for those ones. You know... those doozies.... those..... wellll....."
Nope. They are gone too.



Soooooooooooo.....
Do I love Christ more than someone who didn't lead their life running and screaming away from Christ? Do I appreciate what I have in Christ more than that person?

I would tend to think so, but I dont' know for sure.

I know that Satan thought he had me securely in this grip. And I was in his grip. No doubt about that. But securely?

Naaaahhhhhh......

Cuz God knew He was going to get me back.
He just had some work to do in/though/to me first.